Disappointed

Well heard last night that I did not get approved for the loan for the little home so no moving for right now. I tried to hang on to the fact that as everyone says if it was meant to work out it would, however, in theory that sounds great, in practice it sucks. I did not realise how much I wanted to be out of the area I am in and into the new place. It also did not help that it seems I have to keep revisiting my financial "sins" over the last few years which seem to haunt me forever. Dont ever go bankrupt it does not pay - if you cant handle money then find someone to help you, I think its a bit too late for me. If I knew then what I know now.... Of course, my deposit will take at least a week to get back to me, more irritation but I think I am mostly deeply embarrassed about this situation. I am 55 years old, cant get a loan, am renting, no financial assets anywhere, do not go down this path. I think I actually dreamt about being old and living under a bridge last night.... with spiders no less, not sure what that came from.... other than that its been a wonderful day...

Wednesday

Watched an Agatha Christie movie last night, The Pale Horse, done in 1998, English actors, excellent stuff. They fell asleep on the couch, did not go near the computer - I think I am rather intimidated by it all and concerned there will be another problem. Depending on how I feel tonight I might have a go, although I get so pooped in the evening I tend to get home, have dinner, start to watch a movie and then fall asleep. Yes, I am really feeling my 55 years. Actually, I remember now I read my new Oprah magazine, love her, its packed full smart ideas, excellent motivation stuff. In fact, Cheryl and I and her sister Pam, watched Oprah with Bob Greene and his new eating plan last Sunday. Looks as if I could handle that. Prepare your body for 30 days, then adjust to do the weight loss and then maintenance. I am starting out to do this for 90 days. I have 3 meals, 2 snacks, nothing after 7:30 - that is tough but I am hanging in there. I have not been able to get out to walk because of the snow and lousy street cleaning in my area but I can come up with something in the house, I think.
Still no news on getting financing for they mobile home, trying not to be impatient. I know it will work out the ways its supposed to be.

Irritation Abounds

Still no computer. Had to get driver disc, whatever the heck that is, it arrived I have no clue so have to take at least one hour out of my evening tonight to talk with Dell and have them walk me through it.

Aaah - still no computer

You know I did not realise how much I used my computer until I couldnt and it sucks. But the Dell tech called and I should be able to get everything done on Thursday, schedule permitting.

Still freezing here, real Minnesota weather, glad I moved away. I am reluctant to take down my birthday stuff which is in my cubicle so I am not going to its going to stay another week. Lovely.

Alex got groomed today, bless his heart. Hope the weather gets a little warmer otherwise I might have to go the Meagan route and start putting him in little coats.....we have not been able to get out the last few days and he gets a little loopy.

I'm Back

Okay so I did not know how much I use my computer during the weekend until I could not use it because the hard drive took a nose dive. I rushed through my blog got it done and then the dreaded blue screen appeared and this time would not got away. Anyhoo, did not get out of my pjs until Sunday afternoon, even the dog was keeping downwind of me, but it was so cold did not want to go outside. Cheryl rescued me in the great red truck they have and off we went to Montagues. I made her take me by the park to see the home I am hoping to move into, I had seen so many of them the last week that they had all kind of melded into one. Looks lovely, so now just have to wait for paperwork to be accepted.
I did have one funny thing happen to me this weekend though. My cable has not been working well so when Em turned up on Friday to take me out to dinner for the big 55 he said it sounded like the signal was not getting through. Now I had loudly complained to the cable company (hard to believe I know) and had set up an early morning appointment for Saturday, 7:00 a.m. So after dinner and after Em had left after showing me how to do more cool things with my little iPod I suddenly thought, could I have done something - well, I could and I did. Some weeks ago my $25 DVD player died after 5 years, what is the world coming to, so I disconnected it and threw it away and I think at that time I must have "jiggled" the cable wire because on Friday night when I "jiggled" it again, guess what all the channels came through. How embarrasing! So when the cable guy called Saturday morning to say he was on his way I had to tell him I had fixed it. His pregnant pause said it all..... But the great part is I can watch PBS again, lovely.

Saturday Morning - Computer Woes

Up and moving at 4:00 a.m. - not sure why that should be the start of most of my days but up and at "em I was. Threw the dog out, not literally of course, for its morning constitutional in the subzero temps. Had absolutely no trouble getting him back in this morning....
Watched Alien vs. Predator, love that movie - how biazzare is that - I am how old.... Anyhoo, after that decided to get on computer. Well.... the dreaded blue screen came up again. On hour later after having talked with someone called Jason in Canada as opposed to a gentleman in India called H..... last night finally came up with a prognosis that my hard drive is dying..... so they are sending me a new one but apparently I should be saving all my stuff to CDs - not quite sure how to do that but I am sure one of my wonderful children can help me through that. Jason was very patient with all my questions, my greatest fear of course that I had done something to make the hard drive go bad, its all about me you know, but apparently that would be pretty difficult so after sighing with relief went on to order another hard drive, luckily it is covered by my warranty. Never thought those things actually worked. Quite funny really after it is all over, I made my bed, cleaned up the bathroom and washed the floor all while waiting for the technician to come on the line. He remote accessed the thing - now it does feel as aliens are taking over the world and while he could not fix it at least I know what is wrong. So will try to type really quickly before things stop again which apparently they can.
Well today is definitely a day to stay in one's pjs and read a good book so I think I will do that.

Partial Birthday Day

Well day started well with me being unable to sleep so up at 4:00 a.m. but got on the computer to discover my geeky son had hacked into my blog and put a lovely wallpaper on there with candles and everything - good job he did not put every single candle on cake as we could have all been blinded....
Got to work to find Carrie had decorated my cubicle with birthday stuff including some pictures she downloaded for me of Scot and my parent's wedding day in 1948. Then Tom and Lauren came in and Tom gave me a Happy Birthday banner and they sang me Happy Birthday - Carrie being the only one in tune but who is complaining. Got wonderful goofy cards from Fi and Em, Kevin, Laura and Carrie (we all have really strange senses of humor - I love Hoops and Yoyo - kind of like me after I have eaten the cake). During the middle of the morning the Fedex guy arrived with my present from Carrie and Kevin which is amazing. I have always admired Winston Churchill, always felt he was the man for the time during World War II and he was a marvellous, deeply moving speaker. Well, they got me a CD of him delivering the Finest Hour speech from June 18 1940 along with a book which included a copy of the first and final drafts of the speech with all his notations. Made me go goose pimply... I will listen to it tonight and read the book. Felt like I have my own piece of history.
Then it was time for lunch so Tom took us out to lunch at The Famous, great steak and fish restaurant. Came back and Lauren gave me a beautiful necklace and Tom and Pat gave me spa stuff so I am spoiled rotten and I love it.
Hard to work, cant you tell. :)

Happy Birthday to ME!!!

This is actually her son making this post. I hacked her account...lol. Just wanted to say I love you and Happy Birthday mom. : )

New Home

I love the little house I live in and if I could transport it to another place I would but I cant and I am not pretending anymore that the neighborhood I live in feels safe. It doesnt. I live in the Knob Hill area. It is good to be so close to downtown but something else has to be better. So... I am thinking of becoming a mobile home owner. There is a little well little 35 acre mobile home park on Sinton Road, well back from the highway, been around for about 35 years. It is only open to 55 and older. I have been there 3 times to check out some homes and its very well kept and run, really nice homes. You would have laughed at the second place I visited though. When I told Fi and Em that I was looking they were horrified - shades of My Life with Earl I think they thought. You know, the kind of thing, beat up pickup trucks in the yard, cars without wheels on bricks and the various shooting most evenings. Well the second place I went to see was a beautiful home or should have been but had not been looked after, the lady of the house arrived at the door coughing with a cigarette hanging out of her mouth and vicious terrier barking his head off and a really messy house which she told us she had worked very hard to pick up. Did not stay long in that house - turns out the park has asked her to leave as they have had numerous complaints about her barking dog. The next place we went to was a total contast, just like a normal (?) home. Lovely deck well kept yard, well all the yards are really well kept even the dog lady's place but out of my price range $25,000. I would have to put down $2500 and then get the rest financed which I believe I could do but dont have enough for the downpayment and thats okay. The home that I am thinking of getting would be a perfect size for me. It has a circular kitchen which looks like something out of the Jetsons. I love it. I am already thinking of how to decorate using 60s stuff and lo and behold pickup up a magazine yesterday with just the kind of thing I needed to give me ideas and colors - so am really excited to start. Anyway, maybe its a sign of getting a little older but I am past neighborhoods with screaming kids, loud cars and messy neighbors, enough chaos. Boy, that does sound like I am getting old doesn't it.

My own prejudices were rather disconcerting to get over. At first I was quite reluctant to share with everyone that I was looking at a mobile home park - but the more I have seen of this particular park and the homes the more I can see myself there. One attraction is that I could walk the dog in my own neighborhood. I truly dont like doing that here. How sad is that.

More Musings on Thursday

I have been researching the modular home parks in my area now that I am hurtling towards 55 and have discovered quite by accident that I would not be at all bothered by living on this particluar one. It is for people 55 and older which means that at first couple of glances most of the homes very well kept, beautiful yards and Neighborhood Watch which is a real attraction to me. I think that I have played down my apprehension about living in the neighborhood I do because I was able to make the little house I live in very livable but given where I live the neighborhood is not condusive to walking around at night and now a sexual predator has moved in down the street, granted its (and I use that word deliberately) about 6 blocks away but it was broadcast on the news and in the paper which kind of creeped me out. Anyhoo, I need to explore all my options and given right now I do not have great credit and no savings its definitely an option to explore.

The eating plan is going well, using my common sense, how strange is that!

Thursday Morning

Well 3 days into the food plan and surprising benefits already. Learning to eat slowly and savor every bite has reduced the awful bloated feeling I would get after every meal. Also not eating after 7:30 pm has been the biggest surprise. I did not realise how much I would nibble on food from about an hour after dinner until I went to bed. Consequently had heartburn most nights. Not when I stop eating before 7:30... who would have thunk it.

Having to face some unpleasant issues as regards buying a little property. Looks as if my credit which was always shaky is still not good enough to get what I want and I am really tired of settling for second best. I have a plan in place for improving my credit but it is taking more time than I want it to, wah!!!! Anyhoo, if I cant get what I want at this moment I need to see its a case of "not know" not "not ever" - I have noticed that as I have gotten older that I am more pessimistic which is sad I used to be able to bounce back in no time.

Sammy the dog who was staying with us for a few days has returned to his owner. They were a strange combination to watch Sammy and Alex. Alex is the "Tigger" of dogs and literally bounces his way around while Sammy was much more reserved and kept looking at Alex in complete disdain until the night before he left when he suddenly started chasing around a bone, throwing it up in the air, running around in circles, very strange. Alex looked as if he could not believe his eyes. Very funny to watch.

Roads still irritatingly awful. It is going to take at least another week possibly more to get the snow to melt and at the moment there are deep ruts where snow melts during the day and freezes at night - hate it. Still dont have much to complain about when whole towns on the eastern plains of Colorado are in real trouble and they are having to airlift food to the cattle so that they can stay alive.

New Year's Morning

Fell asleep in the chair with the dogs, Alex and visiting friend, Sammy at about 9:30 p.m. so decided would go to bed. Well, of course, slept for my usual obligatory 4 hours and then woke up again. Now the dogs have taken to following me around so even though they could barely see out of their eyes they dragged themselves up with me to the computer room, settled down again and fell asleep at my feet. I then decided to research through Oprah.com her and Bob Greene's 12-week plan for getting some order into my life as for weight loss and exercise. You know, this woman has so much common sense. I love her. I was able, because now of course I am wide awake, able to review her and Bob's suggestions for a gentlely does it kind of life plan - 1200 calorie a day food plan and 30 minutes exercise a day for 6 days a week. I even signed a contact with myself and pinned it up on the kitchen door to remind myself. I am doing this partly because as I hurtle towards 55 (in 11 days time) I am feeling my most heavy and unfit in the longest time. I had thought I would throw myself into exercise after my reduction surgery, however, that has taken rather a back seat because of the plantar facia in my left foot, but really its because I had still not decided that I wanted to get healthly and fit and that entails losing weight. A lot of my physical ailments are directly related to how much excess weight I carry and thats it. It is what it is and if I want to have more energy there are things I need to do. I can do this for 12 weeks. After that I can look at my progress, then tweak it and set off again. At the present feeling quite calm about it - will update how I feel every evening for the 12 weeks.

Have a marvellous New Year everyone. God bless.

New Year's Eve

No snow challenges today. Went to Montague's Tea and Coffee House for a Balmoral Tea with Cheryl. Brilliant, wonderful food and even better company. Montague's does a fabulous job of an English high tea which include sandwiches (no crusts) scones, home-made lemon curd and clotted cream, scrumptious. Lovely way to end the old year.

As a lot of you know I am looking to purchase a small house along the same lines as the Katrina house. I love the design of that little house and now the children have moved out its the perfect size for me. So I took a look at a small (over 55) mobile home park to see if there was anything I was interested in and there looks to be some things that might be acceptable. At first glance the park was very clean, yards well kept and good cars in driveways so will keep you posted when I can get inside to look at some of the ones for sale.

One Hell of a Morning

Sooo finally the snow has stopped at least temporarily but there is talk that it will start again tonight, so I decided that I would make a trip out to feed the million dollar fishes and the not so expensive fishes. No problem, I thought, the road had been ploughed (one side anyway) and there was no one else around - it was about 9:30 a.m. Heated up the car and off I went. No problems getting to the Cross loft where I feed the fishes and left. On to office to feed the not so expensive fish - road still very clear - no traffic - rather snowpacked but drivable when I come to the entrance of the parking lot to the office. I look at it think I can make it then in a split second knew I could not and came to a dead halt half in and half out of the entrance - I had highcentered myself. Hard to do when you consider I drive a Ford Escape. With an awful sick feeling in my stomach I gunned the car both forward and back and yes you guessed it dug it in even deeper. Now when stuff like this happens to me all my fears come over me in a wave so all by myself in the parking lot with no-one around I went into this little stamping foot rage about how I hated this place, hated my car, hated the fish, hated the snow all of which I described using the f**k word in great abundance. I tried to call Carrie and ask if Keven could come get me and left her a sobbing message basically describing all of the above - could not get her so went into work, found a snow shovel and started shoveling all the while muttering under my breath about how God hates me. An old gentleman probably in his 70s walking through the parking lot came up to me to tell me I was stuck.... luckily I had put the snow shovel down - I agreed with him and he left. I dug out some snow, put mats under the tires and tried and tried again to get out. Nothing happened except a smell of burning. By this time my hysteria had practically taken over and I was now ranting at God about how He had abandoned me and He hated me and was never there for me. I was quite hot at this time as well, probably the shouting when out of the blue a truck drew up next to me and two gentlemen got out of the car one man about my age and the other his aged Pa I think, this guy was 75 if he was a day, came up, looked at what I had done told me to get in the car and they would push me out, the previous old gentleman popped up again from I know not where and all three of them had a go. It took a couple of pushes and I was out. Neither of the old gentlemen died - a thing I was rather concerned about - I thanked them profusely, listened to a lecture on why I should have sand in my car and everyone left including me. Called Carrie to let her know I was out and Kevin did not need to show up, many thanks anyway.

So I learned a couple of things today. God does listen to my prayers. My friends are there for me - Kevin had got permission to leave work even though he would have had to take an hour sick leave to come get me and he was prepared to do so and when my instinct is telling me something listen to it i.e. not trying to drive through too much snow I should listen. I am now home, back killing me, eating pizza, feeling that life is not really that bad.

Hope everyone had a great day, God bless and Happy New Year if I dont talk to you before then.

Holidays

Well have not written anything for some weeks and we are fast approaching the Holidays as they are called in this country and it does not feel good. Every year at this time the Holiday "blahs" seem to afflict me. As I see the ever increasing advertisements for the family time - the husband, wife, children it serves to make me deeply angry on one hand (I dont have that kind of life) and a deep sadness. Almost without me being aware the comparisons raise their ugly heads and I end up looking at what I think my life "should" be like - feeling very outside the norm and a sense of deep dissatisfaction. Added to which the temperature is nearly 30 degrees hotter than it is supposed to be, very anger inducing. Body feel deeply unsettled with this abnormal weather. Even yelled at the poor dog for wanting to hang out with me, how nuts is that!!!

Game Night

Well started off the day deciding that most of the leaves off the trees so would rake them up and make the yard look presentable for Fall. After 2 1/2 hours and 5 x 30 gallon bags later managed to clean up close to the house, front door and little patio - still about 4 bags worth left but it at least made a dent. Put away all the Halloween stuff and took a trip to Gordmans and then Michaels where they had wonderful sales of Thanksgiving stuff and it is all about the stuff right!! Brought it back assembled it around the house and then fell asleep. Turned out that my hands were so sore I could barely use them in the afternoon, I think I have a touch of arthritis - oh dear such is life. Fell asleep in the reclinder for an hour or so with Alex laid across my lap sleeping, felt very cosy and comfortable. Woke up too late to cook anything for game night so stopped in Safeway picked up cheese and crackers to contribute to food. Had a lot of fun playing Beyond Balderdash - did not come in last which is usually the case and fell asleep on the sofa so they all made fun of me, how unkind is that. One of our game night friends has cancer and it sounds pretty serious, nothing like listening to something like that to remind me of how blessed and lucky I am in my life even though I have a tendency so see the glass half empty instead of the other way around.

Friday At Last

Been a very hectic week at work. Carrie my buddy and co-worker was on vacation this week and its like all the clients know when there is only one person in the office. We had three hearings to prepare for, make exhibit books, etc. My feel were killing me after I stood at the copy machine for nearly two hours. Sheesh.... Had a bit of a mixup with Dell. They had to change out my DVD drive and sent the tech to the delivery address (my work) instead of where the computer's home is. The tech had the option to carry on to the next job due to the mixup but took pity on me as I had taken time off work to come and fix it. The hard drive is still buzzing though, should it be doing that.... I will have Em check it when he gets back into town.

I have just been reading Fi and Em's blogs. Some of the pictures are amazing especially ones of the sea. Looks very cold and grey at the moment though, but its been a long time since I saw the sea.

Ian sent me pics of my father's new kitchen that Ian has installed and though it pains me to say so, he is doing a fabulous job, there is a reason for him after all....

Well the pooch is fast asleep in my chair next to me and I am feeling restless - probably all the Halloween candy I have been eating, bought 4 bags of it and nonone came to trick or treat, well its go to go somewhere, right!

The weather is back to being warm again and I hate it. This time of the year in Colorado you never know what to wear. Could be shorts and tshirts or heavy winter stuff all in one day, makes me very irritable. Hard to believe I know......

I dont know how to download pics to my blog I will have Em show me when he gets back from Portland.

It was a dark and stormy day

Had worst snowstorm in at least 3 years. Really heavy snow which bent over trees and in many cases snapped branches in two. Tom, my boss, decided to not have us come in partly because it would have been pretty rough getting everyone home. The house across the street lost most of a tree at least 4 big branches came down and fell into the road, the City came sawed up the logs threw them into their yard and took off, apparently they just clear them off the street its up to you to dispose of the wood. I take my hat off to the utility workers though. I was without power for at least 2 hours, boy did that feel creepy - my house is all electric with no fireplace so could not even make myself a hot drink so Alex and I fell asleep on my recliner and he kept me warm. All together now - aaaah. Snow is melting already so should be a lovely commute tomorrow. I am going to try to attach some pictures I took to my blog, I hope.

Hectic Day

Boss is back in town so everyone hit the ground running. Good to be busy though. Fiona got the apartment in Vancouver so she and Em will be moving in next week on her birthday - how cool is that. Been too tired to take Alex for a walk tonight and the evenings are drawing in really quickly so I am not really comfortable going walking in the dark. He doesnt care everyone he meets is a friend....

Am reading a book by Barbara Sher called Wishcraft. Written for people mostly women who want to have a life after 40 or in my case 50. For the last couple of years I have been trying to decide what I want to be when I grow up. What is my passion. Am working my way through the book rather more slowly than I thought I would. Spent a lot of time weeping not so much for lost opportunities which are many but how I was taught to think about myself as a person and woman and only now am I coming to realise that was other people's ideas and beliefs that were imprinted on me not my own and how I can still have a rich full life and discover my "passion" whatever that may be.

Alex is curled up on the chair next to me fast asleep. It is quite lovely when I am in the house he is never far away and likes to sleep with some part of himself touching me. Very comforting. Although still cant get him to watch the dvd Dogs for Dummies, will have to do it myself I can see.

"Arty" Weekend

I had the pleasure of having my wonderful son, Emrys, down to stay with me this weekend and it turned out to be quite hectic. Friday night we went to a friend of mine's art opening, she does collages and they were quite, quite beautiful, some amazing ones done with an Asian theme. Then the next night I dragged him along to play Bunco. What a hoot!!! He really enjoyed himself although he got a tad concerned when he accidently took his pen with him to the next table - things got a little nasty (all in good fun of course) and I tied with another lady and won $6. Gambling will be the death of me!!! Oh nearly forgot before we headed out to Bunco Em and I took a trip up to the top of Palmer Park. I have not been there in years. He took a couple of photos which he posted to his blog. I love the one looking through a fence to see the clouds. Anyhoo, back to Sunday. I took him with me to an art showing. Its sort of along the lines of a Tupperware party but with original art. Some of it was very lovely and then again some of it was ick!! I am definitely not a fan of cowboy pictures and/or elk or deer. Doesnt do much for me but thats what makes the world go round, right, everyone has different tastes. I fell in love with a small oil painting in the style of Van Gogh of a pitcher with iris in it. So of course I ordered it. I am going to have a party so possibly I can get a discount on another picture. Even Em was struck by some of the art, especially some of the water colors. No pictures of Elvis or Jesus on black velvet which I personally think is a good thing.

I am always struck when I am around my children about how much I showed them about "life" not necessarily by my words but by my actions and it was definitely not a good thing all the time. I am deeply saddened by some of the things I "taught" them such as doing anything to maintain a relationship even it is is dreadful, abusive and just plain wrong - anything is better than staying alone. How not to manage money! How to live in fear of what might happen and paralizing oneself with thoughts of awful things that might happen most of which never did materialize but the amount of time I wasted worrying..... enough said. However, I am so proud of Fi and Em and even though I was not always the best role model around how much they took what life dealt them and ran with it. My daughter is amazing in her courage, sense of adventure and just plain "hutspah" - think thats the word- in her quest to discover where she wants to live and what she want to learn. My son is amazing in that he is dealing with a situation in his life which he is not shying away from and is actively seeking help in seeing what his part is and what to learn from it. Both of them are extremely creative with excellent senses of humor. I am blessed on a daily basis to have them be part of my life.